Found this in the comments on a subreddit thread I found, laughed my sick butt off at it, and figured you folks'd enjoy it.
Also, I've got a cowl pattern up for sale on Ravelry. I've got a link up in the left sidebar for those on desktop. For my mobile readers, here's the pattern. And if y'all want more patterns, blog entries, and YouTube videos, hit up my Patreon.