Friday, December 4, 2015

Depression

       This is  hard post for me to share with you guys, but it's important to do.
       I struggle with depression. It's not an official straight-from-the-effing-doctor diagnosis, but when i was on anti-depressants to keep my migraines under control, I wasn't having as many episodes as I had before, and what I've read online and learned in my high school psych course seem to line up with what I've experienced. Most days, I'm fairly up-beat and even-tempered, but on my bad days... Oh lord, I'm a mess.
       On my bad days, I'm absolutely convinced that I can't do anything properly, that everyone hates me, and would be much better off without me in their lives (including you, dear Bloggyland.), that I'm worthless, and that I'm a stupid fat bitch. (Though, the fat part is true, since I'm over 200 pounds and 5 feet, 3 inches tall.) I also feel that I'd be better off dead and out of everyone's way, and that I'm completely useless (even at knitting.), that I'm not smart and that I shouldn't be bothered trying to do anything because I'll just fail miserably.
       Now, is any of this true? No. Do I have my flaws? Hells to the yes! But then, we all do. They don't stop me being interested in learning new things, wanting to expand my skills, and brightening peoples' days. Of course, I have to remind myself of this and shout down the voices with each bout and remind myself that people would miss me if I committed suicide, plus it isn't worth it to burden the folks with funeral expenses when they're already struggling financially.
       For those out there struggling, you are far from alone, no matter how much it feels like it. If you're considering suicide, talk to someone here, or call the Suicide hotline at 1-800-173-TALK (8255) NOW! Suicide is not the answer, talking it out with people who can help is. I don't want to lose a member of Bloggyland, trust me.
       Alright, sorry about the heavy subject for a Friday post, but I had to get this off my chest. Hope this helps anyone in Bloggyland who's struggling with me. And to counter act the heavy, here's a dubstep or three  to brighten things up.
Later, Dearies!
Kat

Edited to add a link to the Suicide Prevention Hotline website.

4 comments:

Sea said...

Depression is an absolute hell, I agree.
The nasty thing that the doctors don't tell you, is if you have had a bout of depression, you are more than likely to have another.
Yes, I have had it, and "get" what you're saying. Hope things start to come out right for you.

Katherine Devonshire said...

It absolutely is, and it also needs to not be as stigmatized, too. I normally don't talk about a lot of what's bothering me, here and elsewhere, because it'd probably come off as me being whiny or a crybaby, and stressing over that contributes to the migraines I get.

Sea said...

I'm waiting until I can discuss something, even with myself, (that's how I like to write my blog posts,) without ending up in tears, before I post about what happened to me last week. Astoundingly, it hasn't made me depressed, which is good.
Perhaps I am turning into a real hermit crab?

Katherine Devonshire said...

Maybe. Goddess knows I'd happily turn into a hermit crab myself most days if I could.